a little chat about self-doubt and why it’s happening

I read another blog post earlier regarding your higher self.  Following your intuition, being inspired by yourself and following your dreams, and ultimately how to be happy with yourself.  This blog post was beautifully written and actually inspired me to write this post, but first it made me sad.

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Getting a little personal today, so thanks for reading and staying with me!

I’ve spent the last two years of my life filled with self-doubt…self-doubt about my career, my relationships, my body, etc.  The only two things I don’t have any doubt about is that my family loves me and that I’m married to the most wonderful man, so this is a good start I suppose.  Why am I doubting myself?

There’s a lot of research out there now that links spending time on social media to depression and unhappiness.  You see a picture of someone you used to be close with and paint this image in your head about how their life is so much better than yours and that they seem so happy.  Whether this mental image you’ve created is true or not, it only makes you feel worse about yourself.  Why do we let this happen?  Why do we dwell on what other people are doing when we should worrying about our own lives and what makes us happy?

I wish I had the answer.  All I know is that I feel really sad when I see former friends, or people I think are my current friends, posting crap on social media.  It sucks when a text or call goes unanswered, yet you know for a fact that person is always glued to their phone.

Is something wrong with me?  Is it them?  Again, I wish I had the answer.  Self-doubt hurts and takes a physical and mental toll on your body.  I have a lot of things in my life that should make me happy, but why do I feel this way?  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  1. I hate my job.  Now, I say ‘hate’ when I should be saying I’m ‘unhappy’ with my job. It pays well, I have 4 days off a week, but I have to work weekends and holidays, so I don’t get to see my husband a lot because he works Monday through Friday.  So on my days off, what do I do?  The usual…clean the house, run errands, catch up on my blog, see what’s popping on social media, etc.  Perhaps I need better hobbies.  I spend a lot of my free time promoting my blog, which requires a lot of time on social media putting yourself out there.  That’s great and I love doing this because I’m passionate about my blog.  But again, I see people I thought were friends out and about and yet again, I didn’t get invited.  What’s wrong with me?
  2. I’m a woman, so I think every woman can relate to ever having some sort of body image-related insecurity.  Normal to an extent.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve matured out of wanting to be stick-thin.  I work-out, eat relatively healthy, and try to live by an 80/20 rule.  But thoughts start to sink in when you feel left-out by friends (or people you think are your friends).  Maybe I make them look bad because I’m bigger than them, or maybe they are grossed out by how fast I eat.  Seemingly silly, I know, but the truth is these thoughts are real and they are harmful.
  3. Friends…sigh.  I moved to Florida two years ago and still maintain my relationships with people back home.  I’ve got three amazing girlfriends who I talk to every few weeks…they’re kick-ass, but they’re also 1,000 miles away.  My husband and I have made some friends down here in Tampa, but for some reason, I can’t maintain. Why?  Am I too different?  Am I obnoxious or offensive to be around?  No one has ever said any of this to me, but things seem to be fine and then BOOM…I don’t hear from them, texts/calls become ignored, and I’m seriously mystified.  What happened?  Did they just move on?

I read a blog post earlier this morning that discussed moving on from old relationships and sort-of “letting go.”  This is really hard to do.  I’m a nurse, so my job is to care for and treat patients as if they were my own.  I’m naturally a super caring and compassionate person.  I would do anything for anyone I cared about.  But most of those people wouldn’t reciprocate for me.  Sure, I like doing for others and don’t really need anything in return, I do this in my job daily.  But sometimes, I need a friend.  Sometimes, I want to be invited to go to the mall with you on Wednesday.  Sometimes, I want a lunch date to catch up with girlfriends.  It hurts really bad to be hanging out with new friends for awhile and then suddenly stop hearing from them.  It hurts even worse to see them hanging out with the same group you hung out with, except you weren’t invited.

I’m trying to let things go…but it’s hard when you care too much.  Perhaps I put too much pressure on relationships and put them on a pedestal when I should just let it be.

I read another blog post earlier regarding your higher self.  Following your intuition, being inspired by yourself and following your dreams, and ultimately how to be happy with yourself.  This blog post was beautifully written and actually inspired me to write this post, but first it made me sad.  I ventured out of my comfort zone to pursue a life in Tampa.  I had $2,000 saved up, a job lined up, and an adorable apartment ready to rent when I moved down in April of 2015.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I made my life what it is today, yet I’m not content.

My lack of content and happiness is entirely related to my lack of friendships here in Tampa.  How sad is that?  I always tell me husband, “I just want one decent girlfriend here…one!  Why is that so hard?!”  He has his opinion about the matter, which is helpful, but I still keep desperately looking for an easy answer to my question.

I know that one day, I’ll find a good friend here…someone I can rely on and that will take time to answer my calls or texts.  I’ve been spending a lot of time recently exploring myself, doing some soul searching, and trying to figure out where I want my life to be in 5 years.  I have big dreams and I intend to fulfill them.  I can’t really describe this dream or tell you what is looks like, but I’m piecing things together.  For now, I’ll keep my head up and carry on because that’s all one can really do anyway.  At least I have my hubby and kitty, family, and friends back home.

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