I’ve been a little distant for the last few weeks, but now it’s time to be transparent. I was recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism and it’s taken quite the toll on me. For the last year or so, I’ve had unexplained weight gain despite my 4-5 days per week of working out and relatively clean, healthy eating. Exhaustion, headaches, and general malaise are the three major terms I use to describe how I’m feeling all the time. Not only that, but I do not have a menstrual cycle anymore. I stopped taking birth control pills and now fear that due to my lack of cycles, am infertile.
My thyroid antibodies are “elevated,” which means I have some sort of thyroid autoimmune disease of unclear etiology, but also might have a second autoimmune disorder. Do I have lupus? MS? Some other God-awful disease? Unfortunately, I take care of people with these diseases for a living and have this terrifying image in my head of being wheelchair-bound when I’m 40.
With all of this happening, I’ve found myself lacking motivation to seek help (I’m a non-compliant patient, I KNOW). I now understand why a lot of my patients are non-compliant: the fear of the unknown is crippling.
This is not an excuse to be neglecting the thing I love to do most, which is writing. This is not an excuse to neglect my blog. Not only for my readers and followers, but for me. This is the thing I love to do the most. This is the time for me to be expressing my feelings and emotions in a healthy way.
I’m scared. My husband is scared. The only person being strong for me is my mother. She teases me, saying “You know too much. You do not have any of these diseases, it’s all in your head, Katelynn!”
Why does she think I’m so special to dodge a bullet like this? Nobody with MS or lupus “deserved” to be diagnosed, so why wouldn’t it happen to me? If I’ve learned anything from my job, it’s that I am certainly not invincible. I’ve met so many people who come into the ER with chest pain, or leg swelling, or something relatively minor, only to find out that there are much deeper issues. “Well, Mr. Smith, your CT scan showed lesions in your lungs, liver, and right kidney. We need to do some biopsies because we highly suspect that you have stage 4 cancer with metastasis.”
Talk about ruining someone’s day.
I’m rambling. I’ll digress by leaving you with my transparency. I’m scared and feeling extraordinarily vulnerable. I don’t know what the future holds and frankly, I don’t know if I want to know. I’ll try to get all of this sorted out and in the meantime, keep you wonderful people up-to-date with my progress.
It’s going to be a long road, but hopefully will be worth all of the blood, sweat, and tears that have and surely will continue to be shed.
Thanks for listening, and I’ll be back to my normal blogging routines next week!