If I had to sum my life up into one word, it would be tentative. My entire adult life has been made by half-ass, on-a-whim decisions: moving to Florida, changing jobs, picking people to associate with. The only real decision I’ve ever thought about making before doing it was marrying my best friend. My mind is full of uncertainty at all times and I am in a constant state of unsettledness.
This daily prompt was so real it nearly smacked me across my blemished cheek and left a mark by the dark circle under my right eye from lack of sleep. Feeling unsettled all the time has it’s pro’s and con’s, I guess. I won’t settle for something if I’m not happy and I won’t stick around if I think something is fishy. But the lack of settlement also leaves my stomach in knots and imposes it’s feeling of impending doom swirling around my brain like a cyclone.
I couldn’t make a decision if someone put a gun to my head. I can’t even decide what I want to have for dinner tonight and if someone asks me, I start to feel the anxiety and irritation set in from my inability to just pick something for God’s sake. Everyday I wake up to no refreshment and the remembrance of my unhappiness for how my life is currently going. My job sucks, I don’t know where I want to live, I don’t know if I should go back to school or just say screw it and switch careers entirely; I don’t even know if I’m ever actually hungry or if I just shove food in my face because that’s the only thing that gives me any relief.
And I hate it. I hate all of this. I pride myself on being strong and independent, but my lack of capability when it comes to decision-making crushes my soul to no end. Talk about feeling weak.
If you ask my parents, going back to school is the answer. I’ve been pushed to become a nurse practitioner for years and sometimes I think I should just go do it because at least someone else made the decision for me. Jobs aren’t supposed to make you happy, they say, jobs are for making a living. Well, here’s my rebuttal to that: if I spend my life making all this money, but never have any time to spend it, what’s the f*cking point? Work, work, work and save, save, save until you turn 65 and are dead by 67 due to a massive heart-attack. Umm, NO THANKS. That sounds like a horrible idea.
My thoughts on a new career for myself? Opening a bakery. My husband says go for it, but my dad says don’t be silly. Oh no, here comes the uncertainty again, swarming over me like a black cloud filled with weakness and stupidity.
I used to not be this way. I used to pick and choose what I wanted, I used to be happy with the friends I had, and I always said I’d be a teacher. Flash forward to senior year of high school, when I had a boyfriend who I thought was in love with me, a full-scholarship awaiting me at some random school in the middle of nowhere, and an acceptance letter into the school of nursing. Wait, please stop, I don’t want any of these things. Please don’t make me sign the letter of intent. Please don’t tell me he’s a perfect guy because his parents are loaded and he’s going to be “successful.” Please make it stop, wake me up, this is a nightmare, pinch me, pinch me.
I feel my heart rate rising as I’m writing this. That was the day I started closing the door to making decisions. Everything I wanted was pushed to the side because I needed to “set myself up for life.” That guy cheated on me and broke my heart, I tore my piriformis running up a hill at the Lehigh 6K just after my coach told me to ‘push through the pain,” and I hate my career as a nurse.
I wanted to be a high school biology teacher. Talk about being specific. The same day I held the acceptance letter into nursing school, I also held an acceptance letter for the secondary education program and a letter of intent to run at my dream school. I remember feeling over-joyed and ready for this next step. My smile quickly faded as my dad encouraged, or more like told me, to go with the ‘better’ option. That was a day I remember feeling like I didn’t have a choice. What I wanted wasn’t good enough.
I tried to reason with myself, told myself that I’d be helping people and making a difference. There was even a glimmer of hope during my freshman year when I scored my first A on a nursing exam and was ranked 4th in the region for the steeple chase. Wow, maybe this is good and what I should be doing. That feeling was quickly swept away when I started to feel pain in my hip and failed a pharmacology class.
There were two things in my life at that point that I relied on: my legs to move fast and my brain to work in over-drive. I will never forget the day that I told my coach my hip was hurting and I felt as though I needed to take a break. “We have a regional race next week, so suck it up until then and we will have you rest after.” Okay, it’s only one more week, I should be fine. The worst part of that following weekend was the pain I felt. And I don’t mean the pain in my hip. I remember limping towards the finish line and seeing my dad standing there with his jaw on the ground. I finished dead last. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. That was the moment I realized that I would never run again. To this day, I can’t painlessly run and now have chronic pain on my right hip that sends shooting pains down my leg as I attempt to pull an obese patient up in bed.
That was the day I gave up on my dreams. All I wanted was to be a successful cross country runner and make a difference in someone’s life. Today, I can’t run a mile without falling over in pain and some stupid patient grabbed my ass while I was trying to help him get back into bed.
And I hate everything about me today. I hate how I look, I hate how I eat, I hate how I act when I drink too much vodka. But more importantly, I hate how I can’t make a decision for myself. I hate that I lack confidence in any ability that I possess.
So here’s to blogging and doing something that I do enjoy: writing. I’m so glad that you are with me and if you’ve made it to this part, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Whether I’m writing about my feelings, the dinner I made last night, the dessert I’m about to make, or my independent fashion sense, it’s all the same idea. It’s putting your work out there for the world to see and not being ashamed.
Remember when I said that we should be bold together? Yeah, I meant that. Here’s to breaking down doors and crushing stigmas to fit in or do what you’re told. I believe that I am here for a reason and have a bigger purpose than this role I’m filling right now. I hope you continue your journey with me by your side and I by yours. I don’t know where I’m going from here and it will be a long process, but I do know it won’t be boring (Yes, that’s a Bowie quote). Speaking of which, thanks to David Bowie for making weird cool. I think we should all take a few pointer from the Starman, don’t ya think?
Cheers guys, I’m off to study for this ACLS renewal exam I have on Thursday, and continuing to practice baking so one day, my dream will come true. I hope you all feel inspired to pursue your dreams and if anyone ever steps in your way, just send me a message; we can take care of them for you.